Return from the Relay
by redtrouble
Summary: Saia Shepard has returned from the Omega 4 relay and docked at Omega for ship reparations. Kaidan Alenko shows up to find her, carrying the hope that it's not too late for them.
1. The Message from the Omega 4

The message first went to the Council chambers and then the ambassadors. It spread to Alliance official channels and C-Sec's secure line. A separate message bounced off of the C-Sec network via internal forwarding and was uploaded directly to Emily Wong's dataset. She patched it into her extranet network just as the Citadel Broadcasting Domain aired a live feet to the Galactic News. It spread like wildfire across the galaxy, from planet to planet, vid-screen to console to omni-tool.

The message was simple—a two-and-a-half minute clip. The first thirty seconds were of the Normandy's external cams showing the destruction of the Collector base as they raced toward the relay. Saia Shepard's voice came in at about 00:15 seconds.

"At the cost of tens of thousands of human lives, the Collector threat has finally been eliminated. Their base has been destroyed. Some of the finest men and women of all species risked their lives today to end this dire threat. I am proud of each and every one of them—those that lived and those that died. They deserve your gratitude."

Shepard's face appeared on the screen as the footage of the exploding Collector base ended. Her skin was scraped and mudded, red hair tangled and wet with sweat, and her blue eyes were hard with war. She still wore her sniper's visor and armor, which was scraped and dinged and worn down. The N7 logo was proudly gleaming through the gashes.

A loud shout rose up among the galaxy as the woman they'd called hero, traitor, idol, and enemy stood before them, alive and victorious. Regardless of thoughts and feelings past, the small seed of faith humanity had carried that she would save them blossomed.

"You should know why the Collectors abducted so many human colonists. They were attempting to use our genetic variance to continue Reaper reproduction. We were being melted into feeding fluids and pumped into the new machine, and a Human-Reaper was being construction."

The horrific image captured by the core-team's omni-tool flashed across the screen, provoking gasps and murmurs and even shrieks from the viewers.

"This abomination was destroyed with the base. However, we now know what they're after and why. No one in the galaxy is safe."

Shepard's face came back on-screen.

"You may not want to hear this—you may even deny it, even with the given proof—but everyone has a right to know the truth: the Reapers are real and they did not die with Sovereign. We are all in danger of Reaper retribution, of genocide under the machine-ships waiting patiently in dark space. It's time for us to face this, once and for all."

She sighed and suddenly looked tired—weak.

"We survived…" she whispered. And the video cut off.

Kaidan Alenko was frozen in his chair, eyes locked on the blinking letters on his screen that told him there was no more. He jumped a little when the beeping at his terminal interrupted his shock, and he had to steady his hand to accept the call.

"Anderson," he said before the councilman could speak. He tried to say that he wanted to go find her, to be there for her and help her like he should have done ages ago. But nothing came out.

"Staff Commander Alenko," Anderson began. "I want you to find Spectre Shepard and make sure she's not just alive… but stays that way."

"Is this an Alliance order, sir?" Kaidan wanted to know.

"No," Anderson replied.

"For the Council, then?"

"If you have to have a reason, Commander, then use whatever one would best suit your needs."

The call ended and Kaidan sat there, holds folded into one another, for several silent minutes. He wasn't even considering Anderson's implications—that he knew about the feelings between him and Shepard. He was focused on her. She was alive. No—she was okay. Was she okay? She looked like she'd gone through hell and back.

He tapped on the holopad in front of him until her video played again. He zipped through the opening until her face appeared. Kaidan closed his eyes and listened to her voice for a moment, remembering her lips whispering against his ear. He reached out suddenly and paused the video. His eyes flicked open and he stared at her face. Those blue eyes were electric with survival.


	2. Too Much Thinking

Saia Shepard wiped her brow, tongue captured gently between her teeth and eyes focused in squints at the metalwork in front of her. She wrenched the panel open and flinched backward when the wires sparked and popped in front of her.

"Joker!" she exclaimed. "Joker! What's the problem?"

"The power line was shorted during the Collector attack. The board overloaded when we went back through the relay."

Shepard squinted against the flying sparks and her hand swatted at the main circuit. An electric shock zapped her fingers and she sharply inhaled but kept swinging until she managed to catch the bolt and push it in, knocking the wire out of the connector port.

The electricity stopped flowing and she sighed, laying her head back onto the platform. The smoky mass before her looked about how she felt—dead.

"These circuits are fried…" she told Joker.

"What?" he exclaimed. "You fried my port-side reactor board? Damn it, Shepard."

"_I_ fried it?"

Joker sighed.

"Alright, I'm adding it to the docket."

A horn blew in the port announcing the end of the time quarter. Shepard gave in and punched the button that took her platform winding back down to the maintenance bay and, from there, she climbed down the ladder to the dock.

Kasumi was leaning out of the Normandy door when Shepard came through the tunnel-connector to board her ship. The master thief was smiling in her usual, mysterious way.

"There you are," she said. "And look, covered in grease and dirt—how typical."

She tossed Shepard a towel, which she caught, and stepped out of her way as Shepard made her way onto the combat information deck and stomped toward the elevator.

"You going somewhere with that, Kasumi?" Shepard asked. Kasumi smiled, easily keeping up with her pace.

"Actually, yes. I sold my services to Cerberus and now that contract has been fulfilled. Since you fucked them over, I imagine they'll no longer be paying me to pal around with you. Before I go, I'd like to end our partnership the same way we began it… Several of us were going out tonight, and I'd like you to be there."

Shepard turned a wary gaze on Kasumi and was already shaking her head but the master thief held up a hand to shush her complaints.

"I don't really feel like going out—"

"C'mon, Shepard. You owe us one night. We just destroyed a Collector base, saved humanity, and stopped Reaper reproduction… I'd say you deserve a night off."

Shepard slumped against the wall, trying to find a reason to say no. Kasumi struck a pose, arms folded across her chest.

"I've already picked out some clothes…" she said in somewhat of a sing-songy way. Shepard sighed, knocking her head back against the wall.

"Fine." She punched the call button and shifted her weight, already regretting her decision. Kasumi smiled but said nothing more.

"I'll have it sent up to your room, then," she said and then disappeared.

Shepard frowned and slipped into the elevator, rode it to the top, and stepped out onto the top floor. She entered her cabin and stomped down the steps onto the main floor. She dumped her greasy clothes onto the floor, kicked them into a corner, and skipped up to her shower.

She paused as she passed her desk. She saw the picture of Kaidan in her peripherals—more than that, she knew it was there. She couldn't look at it. It would only make her insides hurt. Horizon was... hard to accept, to put it lightly. All she could manage afterward was to throw herself into her mission so she didn't break down in tears. Then the note from him came… and she was both relieved and hopeful, but she was also depressed. He'd gone out with someone? Not that she could expect otherwise but… Who? For how long? Was it serious? Were they lovers? The worst question of them all—were they still together?

The parts of the letter that told of his grief went forgotten once she got to that part. Though the last bit of his note convinced Shepard that he wanted something from her… she was sure even he didn't know exactly what that was. Maybe closure… and a life with his new girlfriend.

Shepard shut her eyes tight and pressed on, storming into her shower with a little more purpose than necessary. She punched the hot water on and soaked under it.

What did people really want from her anyway? Hadn't she always served the galaxy? First the Alliance honors and then promotion to a Spectre—plus she'd done favors all over the grid. Stopping Saren and Sovereign? She led those missions! She never asked for anything in return; she only wanted to help, to do the right thing. She'd merely hoped for shore leave when it was all over—time away from everyone and everything to lose herself in Kaidan's love.

Then the geth hunt was ordered… and she accepted—they accepted, each and every one of her crew. And she died. Wasn't that enough? When Cerberus brought her back to life, her services were immediately called upon. The nightmares in her past were relentless…

"I did my time," she muttered, spitting water as it dribbled down her face and across her mouth. But she'd done it anyway—taken up the gauntlet as though nothing had ever happened. As though she hadn't been dead for two years. "I deserve a break," she reminded herself. It was pure lip service; she was beginning to think she would spend the rest of her life in service to life—human and non-human alike—to protecting the universe.

She vigorously scrubbed shampoo into her head, working her anger out through bathing. Once washed clean, she toweled off, rubbed her hair down, and wrapped the cotton linen around her torso.

Out in her room, something had been laid on her bed.

"Kasumi…" she said to herself. Of course a locked door couldn't keep the master thief out. She padded down to her bed to investigate the torture she would be subjected to.

The outfit was club-stylish and Shepard was just thankful it wasn't a dress. The top was dark red and she could almost hear Kasumi's voice saying, "it matches your hair." It was a thin, cotton spaghetti-strap tank fitted comfortably around her breasts; two holes on either side of the lower half exposed the curves of her waist and buckles randomly placed tightened the shirt low on her hips. The bottoms were short, black shorts with plenty of matching buckles and a silk belt with many loose streams that hung down the back. Kasumi had included black boots with a note saying, "heels aren't really your thing, are they?" A high-cut, black leather jacket was the final touch.

Shepard stared at it a long time, wondering if she was really going to put it on and go through with Kasumi's request. Even though she was young, she felt too old to put on sexy clothes and go out clubbing, like she'd just seen too much to have a normal life again, like she'd been a commander too long to lighten up and disappear in the crowd.

Oddly enough, the idea that she would be able to enjoy one night of being just another girl in a throng of many is what made her toss the towel and put on the outfit. It fit well and was surprisingly comfortable. When she was dressed, she headed down the elevator and was stopped at the combat information center by a gawking group that called themselves her crew.

Miranda had her eyebrows pinned back in surprise and Jacob did a little too much body scanning. Garrus was all triangle-mouthed in shock. Tali's expression was unreadable while Jack wore approval like she wore her tattoos. Dr. Chakwas smiled, though it was an awkward smile somewhere between pleasantly surprised and whapped in the face with a crate of iridium. Joker dropped his glass.

"What?" Shepard asked, getting ready to run away. They were all dressed down, but she was the only one being singled out. It was unfair.

"There you are," Kasumi said from behind her. "I was wondering when you'd be down."

Shepard glanced back at the thief and noticed Thane was eyeing her with his endless black eyes swarming with assessment; it was erotic and made her uncomfortable. Mordin came up behind him, passed Shepard, and headed straight for the door.

"Ready to go. Interested in observing social alien behavior. Setting intriguing. Curious how military personnel handle pheromone-permeated environment. Wondering if ultimate goal mating ritual or something else," he said.

Everyone became extremely uncomfortable… except for Shepard. God bless Mordin for not noticing her outfit.


	3. Afterlife

Afterlife thumped with bass and electronic vibes. Inside the dark club, the group had somewhat dispersed. Mordin, Chakwas, Miranda, and Tali had moved to get a table while Garrus met Zaeed at the bar; apparently, the merc had gone ahead of the main group. She didn't see Samara during her initial sweep and she didn't expect to see Grunt at all. Kasumi and Jacob shot off into the crowd and disappeared—him one way and her the other. Jack wandered off to a different bar than Garrus and Zaeed, and Thane merely hung back, eyeing her.

Shepard felt weird, not really sure where to head to first. The last time she'd come to the club, she'd been in her N7 armor and on official business. She supposed she could stop in a say hey to Aria, who would, no doubt, be waiting to hear her reason for docking on Omega again.

Shepard's thoughts were interrupted when she realized she was being stared at. She glanced to her left and noticed Joker was zeroed in on her. She raised a slender brow.

"Something wrong, Joker?"

"What happened, Commander? When did you buy something like that? And why've you been keeping it a secret?"

"Kasumi got it," Shepard replied. "I haven't exactly had time to build up a wardrobe. All my clothes died with the Normandy and me."

"Maybe you should let her do all your shopping. She has good taste."

"What are you trying to tell me, Joker?" she asked with a grin.

"Nothing," he said casually.

"You're not having impure thoughts are you? EDI will be jealous."

Joker waved her off.

"Funny, Commander. But I'm not the one in hotpants. You are. My ass is safely covered in my cargos; yours is the one hanging out there for anyone to grab."

Shepard shot him a look.

"Or ogle…" he corrected himself, holding up his hands to remind her they were nowhere near her rear.

"I'm just here to have a drink and unwind a little. I don't really plan to be doing much partying or socializing."

Joker shrugged again, but this time with an almost mischievous smile.

"Alright," he said, "but you never know." He started to hobble off but Shepard's voice reached out and stopped him.

"Never know what, Joker?" she asked sternly. "I don't like that smirk you have."

"Never know the fun you could have, the conversations you could get involved in, who you could run into…" He glanced back at her. "What smirk? Geez, you're paranoid, Commander."

Shepard watched him hobble off. She still felt uneasy about it. He was a meddler… But there was nothing she could do about it now aside from aggressive interrogation, so she decided to haul her butt into the crowd. She moved to the back to Aria's perch, nodding to the turian guard Grizz as she passed, and took the stairs two by two.

Aria grinned when she came around the corner.

"My, my, Shepard. I'm surprised to see you dressed down. And here I thought the warrior look was intriguing. This is much better."

Shepard rolled her eyes and took a sit on Aria's right. The asari dancers in Aria's private box moved in and out of shadow and neon, pulsating light. Her guards were entertained, and the warm bodies surrounding her at the tables and on the benches were probably regulars looking to soak up her powerful presence.

"Go ahead," Shepard said. "Everyone else has had a go at gawking. Just don't laugh."

"I guess I don't have to ask why you're here," Aria said. "You don't look like you're back on business."

"I'm just here to repair my ship."

"From the Omega 4 excursion. News travels fast."

"Guess so."

"Then time to loosen up, Shepard." Aria waved to her personal bartender. The salarian made a drink quickly and brought it over. The asari leader nodded in Shepard's direction so the drink was passed to her. "Have a drink, relax, find a man to keep you warm. Or a woman, if that's your thing."

Shepard nodded and stood up.

"I'll be around," she said. "Thanks for the drink."

Aria only smiled briefly and nodded. Shepard went back down to the main floor, nodding to Grizz again, and took the stairs under Aria's perch.

The lounge outside of the main area was significantly quieter, though the muffled tunes from inside were still thumping and the bass still vibrated the ground. She took a sip of the drink and then gave her head a shake.

"That was stronger than I expected…" she mumbled to herself.

The lounging patrons didn't bother to look up; they were too busy being involved in other things. Making out in a corner, flirting over drinks, chatting, drunken soapbox speeches—it was a mumbling and whispered chaos. The muted music still drowned out most of the conversation, leaving a near-quiet hum to think in.

She didn't stop to think, however; she took the stairs on her right to the lower level of the club. She scanned lower Afterlife, saw no one she recognized, so she lazily walked around. She took a gulp of her drink, too distracted to notice the interested glances tossed her way from fellow patrons. The swirl of alcohol was already hitting her head after just half a glass. She'd been gulping since the drink was just too strong to nurse. Bad idea.

Shepard moved into the haze and shadows and could feel it—the music in her bones. It was a strange sensation, but she was feeling a bit strange all over. She downed the last of Aria's concoction and made her way to the darkest corner of the dance floor, pushing between sexy asari, flailing turians, and grinding humans. She wasn't sure was she was going to do out there, but she felt like dancing. Shepard wasn't sure what had come over her; no liquor had ever made her feel like this. If she'd been slightly more sober, she'd have cursed Aria's drink.

If.


	4. The Reunion

Kaidan's brown eyes zeroed in on Shepard. He'd entered lower Afterlife just in time to catch her head out onto the dance floor. She looked stunning. He'd never seen her dressed down so informal and it was an instant turn-on.

_What am I doing?_ he thought. He'd come there to find her and beg for her forgiveness, among other things, but his eyes kept admiring her body to the point he was silently begging for something else. Kaidan lifted his glass to his lips to take a sip of liquid courage, eyes staying on her from over the rim of his tumbler. He moved to the bar, took a seat, and watch her dance as he let his bravery build up and his mind remember all the things he wanted to say.

But Shepard was moving erotically, hips swaying, body rocking. There was no choreography to her dance; he could tell she had no idea what she was doing. She was just following the music, getting lost in layers of bass and electronic. It was sexy.

_Remember why you're here,_ he told himself. He wanted to explain what had happened after the collector attack on the Normandy, what his bungled mental state was when they met on Horizon, and how he was feeling now. He wanted to hear her side of the story, understand what she'd been through. Part of him had been afraid it wasn't really her—only a Cerberus op in her skin. She proved him wrong. It was her. And he had to believe it, because he loved her too much to live without her.

His brown eyes darkened as he grew more aroused watching her. Back then, could he really have envisioned her dancing? No way. Could he have seen her dressed in something so club-sexy? Only in fantasies. And yet there she was, proving to him that he didn't really know her. Had he ever known her? Was she really his Shepard?

Kaidan paused mid-sip and his blood started to cool. That was dangerous. His Shepard? _Was she mine?_ he asked himself. It felt like it, or maybe it had been a figment of his imagination. The night before Ilos meant everything to him; he thought about it constantly. But after Sovereign was destroyed and Saren defeated, they were reinstated and honored, ordered to hunt down the geth. Their union before Ilos had been made under a case of "fuck the regs, we're damned anyway". Afterward, there were still regs, there was still a mission. Neither of them knew what to do next…

But he wanted it. With all his heart. He wanted her. He'd always been a "mission first" kind of guy, but she made him want to forget of all that chain-of-command, military regulation, protocol bullshit and just embrace the girl he loved. After all, he had said, "this is what will never come around again. Us." And that was his reasoning for giving in to his desire. Funny how both of them somehow forgot that, and he remembered too late.

They didn't have time to figure it out. The collector attack happened and… and…

He couldn't even think it.

Kaidan suddenly tipped his drink back and gulped it gone. His liquid courage wasn't working—or maybe he just needed more. He knocked on the bar and ordered up a second drink. While he was waiting, he focused on Shepard again. He could feel heat tingling under his skin, at his fingertips, on the tip of his tongue. She looked so exotic, a mystery he'd once raveled. His skin wanted to feel hers, fingers wanted to caress her, his tongue was begging to be inside her mouth.

He wanted to go over there. Grab her from behind, hold onto her hips, spin her around to face him.

"Kaidan?" she'd say, surprised. He could hear her voice, and it sounded like pleasure-filled moaning as he pressed into her. He liked the way her lashes fluttered in response to everything he did to her body. Swaying in the dark shadows, flashing colors like highlights on their skin. Their lips brushed together over and over, hot breath, wet tongues. He was inside of her, moving to the music, moving to the sounds of her encouragement, moving to the ecstasy of an Ilos prologue.

Kaidan's eyes shot open and he spun back to the bar.

"Get a grip!" he hoarsely demanded himself. He was happy it was dark so no one would notice what was happening in his pants. He was starting to sweat, eyes dilated. Too much liquid courage.

He grabbed his drink and tossed it back to wet his dry throat.

"Remember why you're here," he whispered. He started to peak over his shoulder, but the idea of her was too much. He was hot, burning up from inside. He needed from fresh air.

Kaidan pushed away from the bar and hurried through the crowd, almost frantically trying to get out of the claustrophobic space. He went through the hissing door into the red-lit alley where a couple of vorcha were picking through scraps. And…

Shepard.

When had she snuck by? He didn't know. He just stared at her leaning against a railing, head tilted back, eyes closed. Her face was sweaty. Her expression was gentle. He wanted to cross over to her, bend down, and lightly kiss her barely parted lips. They looked soft, just like he remembered them.

"Saia…" he whispered without meaning to. She heard. Her lashes flew back and her head cocked toward him, blue eyes filled with surprise and glassy from alcohol.

"Kaidan?" she asked to confirm.

"I didn't mean to startle you, Shepard, I…" he trailed off.

Kaidan felt helpless now that he was in the confrontation. He what? Wanted to make sure she was okay? Hell of a thing to say after Horizon. A letter was just a letter; what he'd done to her, said to her, face-to-face… that carried the real weight. But he didn't know what to say to her that didn't sound dumb. She was staring, waiting for him to explain, to say something.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay…" he muttered and immediately wanted to kick himself in the head.

Shepard frowned.

"Hell of a thing to say to me, Kaidan, after what you said on Horizon."

_I know,_ he thought.

"Horizon wasn't supposed to be like that, Shepard. It wasn't supposed to go that way."

"Sure, who plans on thousands of colonists being abducted—"

"I mean between us," he interrupted. Shepard shifted her weight and her eyes narrowed a little.

"Maybe you should explain yourself," she said sternly, "or did two years with the politicians jumble your beliefs. Maybe Horizon was the truth and this is just lip service."

Kaidan grunted.

"It's not lip service, Shepard."

"Then what?" she growled. It was the "us" that had triggered her anger. He'd gotten over "them" and now he wanted to talk about it? "Don't tell me you suddenly believe me, believe in what I've done—"

"I do—"

"Oh, don't act like you came looking for me, to check up on me like some knight in shining armor riding in to save his princess."

"I… I did come—"

"Did you come here with her?" she asked and, for the first time in many moments, there was silence. Kaidan's brown eyes stared, confused. Shepard put her back to him and pretended the alcohol was responsible for the water in her eyes.

"What?" he finally said. He'd thought about it a moment and hadn't the slightest idea where their conversation had just gone.

"Did you come here with her and found me by mistake?"

"I don't understand," he said. "Did I come here with who? Who is _she_?"

Shepard glanced back at him.

"The doctor you moved on with, that you forgot me for," she said icily and Kaidan felt the sting in her words. He frowned, feeling little crap and more than a little defensive.

"I… I never moved on, I never forgot you—"

"You told me about it yourself. Don't try to deny it now!"

"I'm not denying it, I'm—"

"Save it!" she exclaimed and Kaidan was getting tired of being interrupted. "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? Keep your lip service. I'm not interested."

Shepard stormed off through the nearest door and stomped down the empty alley. More red, auxiliary lights diffused the space into a haze. Kaidan followed after her, feeling anger in himself this time.

"That was nothing!" he called after her. "I came here for _you_!"

"If it was nothing, why write about it? Why do it at all?"

"I was trying to move on! I thought you were dead! It was just a stupid, blind date some guys in the Alliance set me up on."

"Convenient!"

"Why would I come all the way out to Omega, of all places, for a date in a seedy nightclub?" he asked her. "Huh? Why? It doesn't make any sense, Shepard! There are no regs against dating Citadel doctors; there's nothing to hide."

He used his biotics to close the door ahead of them, determined not to let her get away. She stopped and, before she could react, he caught up to her and spun her around.

"I came here for you!" he insisted.


	5. There's Always a Fight

Shepard took deep breaths. She wanted it to be okay. She didn't want to be angry, but she couldn't stop herself. She could blame it on the alcohol, but knew that was bull. The alcohol was just a catalyst, a plug-pulled on her inhibitions that allowed her to forget being calm and clear-headed and just let her emotions fly.

She was angry at him for trying to get over her, even though that was ridiculous; if she had stayed dead, she would've wanted him to move on and be happy. She was angry that he'd forsaken her at Horizon. She was angry at everyone…

When Kaidan saw she wasn't saying anything, he kept going.

"I never forgot you, Saia. I swear. I never got over you. That date meant nothing and I never saw her again." He took a moment to organize his thoughts. "I really did come here for you."

"You found me," she said resignedly. "What have you got to say?"

She moved past him and walked down the hall. He fell into her pace to keep beside her.

"When I heard you were alive… I don't know. It was like I was the last to know. There'd been no attempt from you to contact me. People were worried that it wasn't really you, and I was afraid it was true… I was afraid you were just a Cerberus operative parading around as the woman I—" He shook his head as they entered the alley behind Afterlife. "Then I got angry. And then all of the possibilities of what this could mean went in and out of my head constantly. When I saw you, when I knew it was true… I saw it in your eyes, that it was really you. You never tried to find me, you turned your back on the Alliance—"

"Kaidan…" Shepard interrupted him quietly, turning to lean back on the railing again. She met his eyes. "I _did_ try looking for you. TIM—erm, the Illusive Man—told me he couldn't find you, that you were classified. Anderson stonewalled me; he wouldn't tell me where you were or what you were doing. Wouldn't get a message through to you."

He frowned.

"You tried to find me?" he asked. She nodded. "No one told me. I asked. Anderson even admitted he saw you, but said you never asked for me."

"He lied. I don't know why."

Kaidan slammed his fist up against the wall. Now he wasn't sure who to be angry at—himself for believing she really wouldn't come looking for him or at Anderson for keeping them apart.

"Kaidan, I had to make a choice. No one expected me to come back—I get that. So I guess no one knew what to do with me. But the Collectors were acting, and I had to do something. I could stop them or try to find you and get myself back in the Alliance."

"But why Cerberus?" he asked.

"If Cerberus taught me anything, it's that the enemy of your enemy is your friend. I may hate Cerberus for what they've done and what I'm sure they will do in the future. I never claimed to represent Cerberus, only to be working with them to stop the Collectors. They believed in the things the Council and the Alliance weren't ready to deal with. They stood ready with the resources and intel to help me stop the abductions. I couldn't wait for everyone to get their act together."

Kaidan nodded and slumped against the wall, head back, eyes on the ceiling.

"I know," he said. "Sovereign never happened and the geth were responsible for the attack two years ago. It's bull."

"I would never choose to work with Cerberus," Shepard reminded him. "You know me."

Kaidan lifted his head and lowered his gaze to study her expression. He did know her. He knew her. A lot had happened since then.

"Do we still know each other?" he asked. One of her brows furrowed; it was that look she always got when she was unsure of the conversation and was waiting to get angry or calm down.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"A lot's happened, Shepard."

"But nothing's changed. I haven't changed. Maybe you have—"

"I spent two years grieving your death—"

"I spent two years dead!"

They shut up and let their heavy breathing fill the space their shouts used to claim. Kaidan pushed off of the wall and crossed over to her.

"I'm an idiot," he said quietly, reaching out and pulling her into him. "I'm sorry. I'm just an idiot."

Shepard bundled in his arms and buried her head against his shoulder. Their one night on Ilos suddenly seemed like countless nights in between. They'd grown to care for each other, trust each other, and even love each other during the hunt for Saren and the Conduit. Ilos just made it all official. And here they both were, embracing like they'd been dating for months and a tragedy had broken them apart temporarily.

Ilos was the only real proof of their togetherness, but Shepard had thought about him every moment she had a working brain—she'd even dreamed of him in her unconsciousness, she swore it was true. And that made her feel as though they'd been together far longer than fact could support. It was the same for Kaidan.

Shepard tilted her head back to look into his eyes but was met with his lips instead. It was like lighting a match in a room full of gas. The gentle kiss stopped after one, and a flood of open-mouthed kisses overloaded their senses. He hadn't meant to kiss her, only comfort her; it just happened. He couldn't explain it except to say that his instinct, his desire knew what his brain was too afraid to order his body to do.

Their breath had turned hot as their tongues rubbed together and their arms tightened around each other. Shepard felt the memory of the night before Ilos rush in as his hands slipped down the small of her back and only the thin cloth of her top separated their skin. In the old days, it had been armor or Alliance CDUs. She was exposed in a new way, like he was embracing the woman in her, not the soldier, not the commander.

"Saia," he whispered against her mouth, eyes closed and tongue still hungrily seeking hers. "This isn't the place…"

"You started it," she whispered back. Her legs parted and one knee lifted to rub her thigh against his. Aria's concoction was driving her lust. She was burning up inside and only he could cool her off. She needed to be closer to him, be hotter with him.

Kaidan pressed against her, let her feel how much he wanted her, too. Her moan nearly sent him over the edge. A few more kisses were shared and then the soft, electric glow of Kaidan's biotic body shimmered around him. They took deep breaths quietly as they parted and his shimmer died. The round and glaring eyes of the vorcha stared at them, confused and huddled against their scrap.

"We should… go somewhere," Kaidan finally said to flush out their embarrassment. She nodded in agreement, rubbing the back of her neck.

Kaidan grabbed her other hand and they moved back into lower Afterlife and through the crowd. Once in the stairwell to upper Afterlife, Shepard glanced over at him.

"How did you know I was on Omega?"

"We guessed, but a contact confirmed your docking while I was on my way here."

"A contact?" she asked suspiciously.

"Joker…" he admitted. She rolled her eyes.

"He's such a meddler… I guess he misses you."

Kaidan playfully lifted his brows.

"And did you miss me?"

"You know I did," she replied.

"And I missed you," he said and squeezed her hand. Before they got to the top of the stairs, he stopped her and turned her to face him. "Saia… I… I'm sorry if I was out of line back there, but—"

"You're not my subordinate anymore, Kaidan. You don't need to—"

"That's not what I meant," he interrupted and she furrowed one brow again; he thought it was adorable. "I meant if I was out of line with you as a person. You see, when you spend all your time missing someone… you feel connected to them in a way you possibly never were. We had one… amazing night together, but it was only one. I don't mean to lay claim, I just feel like our relationship back then carried a lot of weight."

She nodded. She knew exactly how he felt. She felt it, too. She reached up and put her hand to his cheek for just a moment and then let it slip back into his hands.

"It did," she assured him. "It still does."

"I'm glad you think so…" He shook his head and smiled. "Do you think now that you've finished with Cerberus, you'll come back to the Alliance?"

"Go back?" she balked. "Why would I go back?"

Kaidan was surprised by her answer and didn't know how to react at first.

"Because you were Alliance, Shepard," he replied, and Shepard noticed he used her surname again; he always did whenever he felt he was addressing a formal topic. Probably he'd never stop seeing her as his CO. "You were Alliance first and foremost, and your loyalty lies with us."

"My loyalty?" she repeated. "What loyalty do I owe them? They betrayed me, Kaidan."

"With all due respect, ma'am, you teamed up with Cerberus—an Alliance black-ops unit gone rogue. I'm sure they felt a bit betrayed, too."

"That's bull, Kaidan." She slipped her hands from his, feeling the anger coming back in a raging heap. "They heard rumors I was alive and working with Cerberus and decided to declare Sovereign a myth and the attack on the Citadel nothing more than a geth raid? They had that planned out the moment the Normandy went down. They let me down… and if I had been dead, I'd have rolled over in my grave."

She turned away from him to storm off but his words pulled her back.

"It was messed up, yes, but that's the Council we're talking about. The Alliance had nothing to do with that."

She whirled back to him.

"Where was my support when I came asking for it? After everything I've done for them, you'd think I was warranted a little faith. Put Cerberus behind my name and everyone gets scared."

"Cerberus is a monstrous organization. They've done horrific things."

"Yeah, and they also helped saved the galaxy. So the Alliance can't grow a pair to do the right thing for humanity. Well, I'm tired of lending them mine." Shepard stormed across the lounge and back into the club. Kaidan was hot on her heels, shouting over the music.

"We had a right to be cautious. I told you already, we weren't sure if it wasn't just another Cerberus trick," he exclaimed. She glanced back at him but kept walking.

"And when you knew for sure? Where was the cavalry then? Why should I go back to taking orders from a group that can't even support me?" She shook her head and shoved people out of her way a little harder than she meant to. "It's pretty obvious the only way I can do my job is by breaking the rules. You were there for Ilos," she eyed him, "even broke a couple rules yourself."

He blushed for only a second. Neither noticed Joker spot them cutting across the floor toward the exit. He immediately knew their reunion had gone terribly wrong and so he got to his feet and began quickly shuffling after them. He was too slow to catch them before they left the club, but he kept after them anyway.

Outside, Shepard's raised voice could be heard loud and clear. Most of the people outside ignored them, and a few eyeballed their drama with mild interest.

"You saw why I had to join up with Cerberus. If I hadn't, the Collectors would still be abducting colonies! The Alliance betrayed me. The Council forsook me. They painted me a liar, even a traitor—or maybe just insane." She threw her arms up as Joker made it out the front door, spotted them, and slowly made his way toward them. "Hackett's about the only friend I still have in the Alliance—the only one who never stopped believing in me." She spun around to throw a glare on him. "So why should I go back to being the Alliance's poster-solider when the only time they want to give me respect and trust is when it's convenient for them?"

Kaidan just stared down at her, brows pinched in anger, but he had no response. Joker paused, finally getting the gist of what was happening.

"You were my number two, Kaidan. You had my back everywhere we went. You trusted my judgment. You trusted me to do the right thing. And of all people, you were the last to support me."

"I guess you didn't need me. You certainly did fine without me. You had Garrus and Tali to back you up."

"Damn straight, I did. Even they were able to put aside their feelings for Cerberus to do the right thing." She tried to walk away again.

"Oh, a noble turian and a righteous quarian. Lucky you!" he spat, head fuzzy from the liquor now hitting him hard. "And I guess Joker hopped the first transit out of the Citadel at the second chance to fly the Normandy." He grunted. "Well I guess Joker's brittle-boned ass didn't hop anything. Did you give him a gun and let him hobble after you? How many Collectors did he kill?"


	6. We Were Brothers

Joker felt a sting of pain in his chest at his supposed friend's bitter insults. He would've been suddenly very depressed had Shepard not exploded. She whirled around, eyes flared in fury, and a finger pointed threateningly at her former L-T.

"Don't you dare pick on Joker! Garrus and Tali were recruited, but he volunteered!" she exclaimed. "Joker was the first one to come back and back my play! I was alone with Cerberus flunkies and barely a twenty-four hour memory span of suddenly not being dead, fighting off crazed mechs trying to kill everyone, and finding out humanity was in trouble and, somehow, I was the only one who could do something about it! Seeing Joker come flying in to support me made all of the bad things about being alive right then a lot easier to deal with."

Joker felt his chest swell inside, and reminded himself to buy the Commander a drink. He still felt hurt about what Kaidan had said, though he wouldn't ever admit it; but Shepard had made him feel proud.

"That's some loyalty," Kaidan said. He knew he was out of line and, hell, full of shit, but he couldn't control his mouth. The alcohol was talking for him, fueled by the explosive fumes of his self-loathing and jealousy.

He stepped closer to Shepard and dropped his voice to a whisper.

"Tell me, _Commander_, is he in love with you, too? Is that how you do it, Shepard? I remember Liara's eyes and the way she looked at you. Is that the secret behind all this loyalty?"

Joker couldn't hear the whispers but could tell by the look on Shepard's face that Kaidan had crossed way over the line. He'd never seen her look that way. She looked… hurt.

"Hey!" Joker shouted, drawing their surprised stares. "Leave her alone, Alenko! You wanna be an asshole, bring it to someone who knows the game inside and out."

As Joker began shuffling over, Shepard turned her angry gaze on Kaidan and whispered.

"Was it the Alliance or the Council who taught you to be so cruel?" She nodded in Joker's direction. "Didn't he used to be your friend, too?"

Before Kaidan could respond, Shepard stormed off and Joker had already come up on him.

"What the hell was that all about, Alenko?" he asked, trying to ignore the things his once-best-friend had said about him. "You come all this way just to fight with her? You can do that through vid-mail."

"Butt out of it. It's none of your business."

"Yeah, right. I'm the one who got your apology to her after that Horizon bullshit. I'm the one who let you know where we were."

"I said it's none of your business!" Kaidan paced in frustration, trying to decide on going after her or going back to his room.

"C'mon, what's gotten into you?"

"Joker—" he started, getting into the pilot's face. He held his tongue and threw his hand out dismissively when he turned away. Joker could smell the alcohol on his old L-T's breath and knew what the problem really was—they were drunk.

The only way to get through to the truth with an angry drunk was to do the one thing anyone with a sense of survival would avoid: piss him off even more.

"What, am I too crippled to fight? C'mon, man. I can take you. You're just a drunk, sorry bastard who can't even get the girl you love to stick around."

"Shut up!"

"You think you're better than me? Where were you when Shepard needed you? Huh? Drunk off your ass or with some other girl forgetting the woman you really love?"

"That never happened!"

"Prove it! Cause all I see in front of me is a wasted, Alliance hack who doesn't have what it takes to run with the best." He shook his head and started walking in the direction Shepard had gone. "Save it, Alenko. Don't worry. I'll look after her."

Crack! That did it. Kaidan's biotic brought the crates stacked near the port clattering to the ground.

"We were supposed to be brothers!" he yelled. "And the moment she comes back, you go sweeping off into the black to find her, to be there for her, never telling me! Did you think you'd have a shot with her once I wasn't in the picture anymore?"

"It was never like that!"

"Like hell it wasn't! What was it that you couldn't tell me what was going on? We were like brothers… and you stabbed me in the back!"

"Like hell I did!" Joker shouted. "When I got word from Cerberus, you'd already hopped worlds on some top secret bullshit. I left you messages at your apartment. I sent you vids and notes to your omni-tool!"

"I never got anything like that—"

"Sure, 'cause the Alliance screened it all, scrubbed your place, no doubt. If I was after her, why would I ever help you find her? Get a message to her?"

Kaidan shifted his weight and shut his eyes tight, trying to make sense of everything against the alcoholic rage mudding it up.

"Face it, Alenko. You're not mad at me—or anyone else flying with her. You're just pissed at yourself for following the Alliance instead of the real hero…"

Kaidan hung his head, shamed and embarrassed. Of course Joker was right; he already knew it himself. He was very still and quiet for several beats. Joker didn't leave, only waited.

"How did you do it? Leave it, I mean…"

"It was real easy. I just got up and went. Just ask Dr. Chakwas how easy it was," he replied and Kaidan glanced up, surprised to hear her name. "Yeah, she's there, too. When it came down to the Alliance or Shepard… there really wasn't any choice to make."

Kaidan nodded.

"Yeah… I know…"

Joker turned to go again.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said to his back. "I'm an asshole…"

"Maybe you're trying to be, but you just haven't got the skills like I do. Get some sleep. Tomorrow you can try again, if you want."

Kaidan managed a brief half-a-smile as Joker walked away.


	7. An Unexpected Hug

When Joker found Shepard, she was sitting on top of stacks of crates at the end of the Normandy's dock. Her back was to him, and her head was tilted up toward the star-sprinkled red nebula in the distance. He could tell she heard his approach by the way she shifted—lowered her head and swiped her cheeks.

"Commander?" he asked.

"Come on up, Joker."

He climbed up and, as he sat next to her, she said,

"If you tell anyone about this, I'll have to hurt you."

He knew she was talking about the tears on her cheek. Only she could go through everything she had and come out of it with dignified crying.

"Seriously, Commander, there's not much to it. No blubbering, no waterworks, just a few droplets drying on your cheeks. Does that even count?" he said. She flashed him a look, and he could see her eyes were red. He hesitated before speaking. "You shouldn't hold it in, you know. I've heard it's real therapeutic."

"Is that your therapy, Joker? Somehow I can't imagine you balling your eyes out. That didn't get you through flight school."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "But sometimes…" He shrugged one shoulder, blocking out the bad memory forming in his head. _Once,_ he thought, _I couldn't help it._ She saved him from his thoughts.

"Joker, you're… you don't have any…" She paused, not really sure how to say it. She brushed her hair away from her forehead and kept it there, leaning her weight into her palm. "There are no romantic feelings for me." It was a statement, so she added, "Right?"

"Feelings for you? Is that something Alenko said?" he asked, and she nodded once. "When people serve around someone so great, I think it's easy for them to be overwhelmed with admiration, and that it may sometimes feel like love. Don't worry, Commander. Your crew is loyal to you because they trust you, respect you, and believe in you. Regardless of whatever else they may feel for you, it's not the other way around."

He saw the corner of her mouth lift in a small and brief smile. Good.

They sat in silence, staring at the nebula surrounding Omega. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence; somehow, he and Shepard had gotten past that need to talk. He wasn't sure when it had happened. They'd been together so long and gone through so much that cheap words really were meaningless. Besides, she needed comfort, and the best way he could do that was just to be there. Ready.

Her body suddenly began shaking gently. When he glanced over, he realized she was crying. It was soft and silent; she didn't wail or groan and barely sniffled. She just shook, head hung, shoulders slumped, and tears making a puddle on the crate beneath her. It was heartbreaking.

Joker reached out and grasped her shoulder firmly, feeling that it was the best way to comfort a distressed CO. But after he did it, he realized how truly stupid of a motion it was. Yeah, she was his CO, but she was also something far higher ranking than that. She was his friend.

Joker moved his hand down and clasped her hand tightly. Her fingers squished together under his grip, and her hand felt sort of tiny trapped in his palm. He wondered where all that strength was. It was a rare moment when he was reminded that, though a soldier, Shepard was a woman.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "If I hadn't been so stubborn… you wouldn't have died. We wouldn't have been separated." His jaw clenched. "You and Kaidan wouldn't have…"

"It's not your fault, Joker." She said firmly, even with the sound of tears in her voice. "You're the best damn pilot I've ever known, and you'd never abandon your ship." She curled her fingers over his hand and gripped it; she did it with such ease, in spite of his tight hold, and he was no longer unsure about where her strength was hidden. "Your crew is your ship, too," she continued, "and I _know_ you'd never abandon your ship."

"Yeah," he agreed, resisting the urge to cry himself.

"That's why you came back."

"The thing about that is… I tried other ships. Other crews. After the Normandy went down, the Alliance shoved my 'potential' in other directions but… the thing about that is… I can only fly with you, CO."

She nodded and the tears returned from their brief reprieve. He held her hand tightly and used the tensing of his muscles to block his tear ducts from copying her.

He tried to think about how to properly comfort a woman, but his thoughts kept getting mixed up with the fact that Shepard was the strongest person he knew. He strangely shifted closer to her, hesitant at closing the distance between them, but their shoulders touched when he finally settled. He tugged his hand out of hers and it took him two steps to get his arm around her shoulders—one stop between her shoulder blades with a thought of "turn back" and then the final step of settling on the other side. He was extremely embarrassed, especially considering how little she was wearing compared to normal.

He waited for her to move or get up or tell him he was being too personal, but she never did. After a moment, to his surprise, her head slumped onto his shoulder. He awkwardly laid his head on top of hers and went very still. They sat there in his support hug for a long time. Her sorrow went in intervals. She would sit there silently, breathing so shallow that he could barely hear or feel it, and then she would suddenly cry again.

Eventually, her sobs stopped and they just sat there quietly. He didn't know how long it had been, nor did he hear the footsteps come up behind them.

"Well this isn't exactly what I expected to find when I came back to the ship," Miranda said. Joker's heart leapt in surprise, but Shepard seemed perfectly calm. They broke apart and stretched around to see Miranda down on the dock, hands on her hips.

"Early night, Miranda?" Shepard asked, as though nothing were wrong. Joker was glad it was so dark on the dock for her sake; he didn't want anyone else to see the proof she'd been crying.

"We've got a lot of work to do, Shepard," she replied. "I don't intend to spend an entire night wasting energy with so much needing to be done."

Shepard grinned.

"Did the others share your sentiment?"

Miranda rolled her eyes a little and they could tell she was slightly annoyed.

"Not really. I think Tali left behind me, but I didn't notice anyone else." She shuffled toward the door. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Commander. Joker."

"Night," they nearly said in unison.

When she was gone, they did not return to their comfort hug. They just sat there in more silence. This time, Joker felt a little awkward about it. He still wasn't sure if he crossed the line or not.

"Thanks, Joker," Shepard suddenly said, "for everything."

"Anytime, Commander."

She pushed herself to her feet.

"I'm going to follow Miranda's lead, for once, and get some sleep."

"Good call. I'll probably do the same before too long," he said as she climbed down to the dock.

"Goodnight, Joker." She waved.

"Night, Commander."

He watched her go and then turned back to the red nebula. He sighed and closed his eyes. The memory wouldn't stop.

_She tossed him into the escape pod but the Collector hit tore her away from the ship._

"_Commander!" he yelled as she was pushed further away. The sparks flying, the ship rocking, and parts drifting between them set his heart to panic level. "Commander!"_

_There was an explosion and she was propelled out into space._

"_Shepard!" he shrieked as the pod doors began closing. "No… Shepard! Shepard!"_

_He threw himself against the doors, but they wouldn't budge. The pod rocketed off and there was nothing he could do to stop it, to fly it, to turn it around._

"_Shepard!" he screamed again, but he couldn't see her anymore._

_His lungs ripped out painful exclamations as his rage contained by the small pod thrashed him into exhaustion. He slumped onto the seat in disbelief, and that's when he first noticed how wet his face and hands were. He was sobbing uncontrollably while painful spikes pounded into his heart, a great pressure lay on his chest, and something squeezed his lungs and esophagus. It was all from the inside, at a place he couldn't reach._

_The vomit came up so quickly, he lurched out of his seat in shock. It hit the floor and his shoes. Again. And again. He couldn't stop crying._

_When the pod finally hit ground, he just sat there. The locator signal beeped repetitively, drilling into his head right next to the anguish. His loud cries had dampened to drained sobs. He didn't move. The smell of his own bile speared up his nostrils and stayed here; the beeping droned on in his head. But he stayed there._

_When the pod finally opened, he wearily looked up at Kaidan's terrified expression. All he could do was stare and hope he understood how sorry he was._

_He was so sorry._

"_I'm so sorry," he tried to say, but nothing came out when he moved his lips._

Joker's eyes flashed open. He couldn't look anymore. The memory was too awful. He wiped the water out of his eyes and blew out the breath he'd been holding. He brushed a hand back through his hair under his cap and repositioned it on his head.

"Joker?" Tali asked from below him. He twisted around and looked down.

"What's up, Tali?" he asked.

"Where's Shepard?"

"Gone to bed."

"Ah, I see…"

"Something wrong?"

"No," she said hesitantly, like she wasn't sure. "I don't know. I thought I saw Kaidan earlier."

"You did," Joker confirmed. He noticed Garrus walking down the dock toward them.

"I thought he might be looking for Shepard, so…" She trailed off. Joker smiled.

"Don't worry," he said. "He'll be around tomorrow."

"Ah. Good, then." Silence. "Then, goodnight Joker."

"See ya."

She went into the ship as Garrus came by. He exchanged nods with the turian as he, too, went inside.


	8. Chakwas' Guidance

The cool water felt good on Kaidan's face, but the heat in his skin warmed it quickly. He filled his cupped hands a few more times and splashed his face until he felt his temperature drop a little. He gave his hands a couple good flings to get the water off then used his shirt as a towel, first on his cheeks, forehead, and chin, then for wiping his hands.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, Kaidan saw his inner turmoil reflected back at him. Afterlife's bathroom was lit much like the rest of the club and he was cast in shadow. Why had he let himself drink so much? He was so nervous, he forgot liquid courage stopped at one drink. It just wasn't hitting him fast enough. And then it hit too fast, too hard.

"Idiot," he muttered aloud. He'd only wanted to understand her, to help her understand him. He wanted to know if they still had a chance… Well, he understood her alright. But he threw it in her face.

Joker's words gave him some comfort, however. He could come back the next day and try again. Not that he deserved it—a second chance or Joker's kindness.

Kaidan ran his hand under cold water, wiped his face one last time, and left the bathroom. Dr. Chakwas was waiting for him. She pushed off of the wall she was lounging against and smiled.

"Hello, Kaidan," she said.

"Doctor." He nodded formally. She laughed.

"There's no need for that now. How are you?"

He shrugged.

"I hear you were promoted," she continued. "Congratulations."

"Thank you."

Her full smile dropped to half-a-one, as though she wasn't looking forward to where she had to take the conversation. She could've delayed it by pretending to have small-talk, asking him what brought him to Omega or what he'd been doing for the past couple of years, but she already knew the answer to those questions. So, she skipped straight to the point.

"Earlier, I saw you with Commander Shepard and, now, you're all alone."

He sighed and stepped out of the doorway. She passed him a canister of water and they walked, side by side, through Afterlife and out the front door. It felt good to breathe air not clogged with sweat and heat. They took a turn toward the apartment district where he'd gotten a hotel room.

"What happened, Kaidan?"

"I don't know," he lied, not sure why he chose to respond that way. He knew Chakwas could tell he was fibbing by the way her brows dimpled sympathetically. "I just wanted to talk to her. I needed a little help after everything and so I had a couple drinks." He felt ashamed saying it. "We fought."

"Of course you did," she said, resisting the laugh edging into her voice. Kaidan opened the canister and took a sip.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You were going to fight no matter what. The alcohol helped lift your inhibitions and be honest, even if your words weren't entirely honest. Without it, the melodrama of trying to resolve your feelings peaceably would only prolong and further entangle the true problem."

"Honest without being honest?" It was his way of asking for clarification.

"Your anger is honest, even if it motivates you to say cruel things you don't mean."

"Alright, I get that," he said and took another sip of water. "The rest of the idea? I don't understand."

"You may believe it was all a big secret, but don't take me for a fool. You and Shepard had feelings for each other. She died…" Chakwas gently touched his arm, "and you grieved. When she came back, there were a lot of feelings you weren't sure how to handle. Things were no longer simple—where you understood what was happening, even if it was impossibly hard to deal with."

The ksh-krsh of the opening door came after her pause and Kaidan let her go ahead of him since a second group was taking the other half of the stairs. They exited onto the next level and Kaidan led the way toward his hotel.

"I said some horrible things—things I didn't mean. And I heard the words she was saying and they made sense but I couldn't accept that."

"You're both angry and hurt over how things played out. That's going to come out, one way or another. Anger, pride, jealousy… they all have a way of changing who we are, bringing out the worst in us," she explained as they slowly walked, turning corners occasionally, and dodged other groups; Omega never slept. "So long as you remember yourself in the end, both of you will find the happiness you're looking for. I'm sure."

He stopped in front of his building.

"I don't know, Doctor."

"Don't know what, exactly?"

"If I deserve her forgiveness."

Dr. Chakwas lifted her brows curiously.

"And have you decided whether or not she deserves yours?" she asked. Kaidan frowned, confused. "You've been hurt, Kaidan. A simple explanation won't excuse your feelings, as if they're mere illusion. Do you forgive her for hurting you?"

"Yes," he replied. From his standpoint, he was the one who'd muddied things—one thing he swore to never do. Of course, he'd also sworn to always leave a way out, something he'd failed to do with Shepard. There was no way out with Shepard. He didn't want there to be. He was afraid this fight would make one.

"Do you really? Then why are you still angry?" she wanted to know. Kaidan did some mental stammering but couldn't answer her. "You've both been through immense trauma, and it will take some time before you can understand one another. Fighting just proves that you're trying hard to do so."

Kaidan couldn't help but smile a little. She'd given him a bit of hope.

"Drink plenty of water and get lots of rest," she instructed. He nodded obediently.

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "And thank you."

"We all need a little guidance for our thoughts and feelings from time to time. Goodnight, Kaidan."

Kaidan watched her disappear down the street, positive he should've been the one to walk her home, not the other way around. He finished off the water, took the elevator to his floor, and used his passkey to get into his room.

The lights were off, leaving the place nearly pitch black. He left the door open and used the light in the hallway to guide himself through the small apartment without knocking anything over. When he reached his bed, he dropped onto it face-first, boots dangling over the end, and used his biotic power to close the front door.

There was absolute darkness for about twenty seconds and then it settled to mild. Because of his brown eyes, it was harder to adjust to the dark completely, but he waited patiently for his sight to return, letting his thoughts trudge through everything Dr. Chakwas had said, correlating all of her points with the highlights of his and Shepard's fight.

When he just couldn't think about anything else other than the fact that he still loved her more than anything, he quit thinking, and, by that time, his sight had mostly adjusted. His fingers snaked across the bed to the nightstand where he pulled her picture down to rest next to him. He'd fallen asleep this way countless times.

There was a dark point in his life when it was the only way he could fall asleep…


	9. The Next Morning

Shepard's eyes flicked open and she stared at the ceiling of her cabin quietly. She wasn't sure what had stirred her from sleep, but she did not toss and turn or rub her eyes and yawn excessively. Her fight with Kaidan was still at the forefront of her mind, even though she couldn't quite recall details. It all blended into one massive blur of bad.

Except for one thing…

Kaidan's icy speech about her crew being in love with her couldn't leave her brain. _Great…_ she thought. It was going to plague her all day. Joker never answered her properly and she couldn't bear to ask anyone else about it. She had to believe it wasn't true. She'd never thought about it before… _And I don't need to start._

She shoved the covers off of her and kicked out of the tangled sheets. It was a bad omen—waking up so despondently. Without a shower, she tugged on ratty cargos and dropped a t-shirt over her head. Socks and boots came next.

Shepard had to stop. She wasn't sure what was causing the heat buildup in her chest but she was burning up. Her hands went to her face and she pushed her hair out of the way. Was this a hot flash? She wasn't old enough to be getting hot flashes! Her eyes shut tight and she concentrated on breathing. Slowly. Steadily.

The heat started to cool.

"Damn you, Kaidan…" she whispered, throwing her eyes across the room to where his picture was. "What happened to our promises?" They'd been unspoken, mostly, but there nonetheless. "Now all we can do is fight? That's not right, is it?" Their kiss came into focus in her memory and her stomach did a whirl.

Shepard's arms dropped back to her sides and she mentally shook out the distractions. The Normandy needed a lot of work. As she went for the door, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the fish tank and temporarily froze. Did her hair always look like that?

She scurried into the bathroom to check a real mirror and frowned. Okay, her hair had gotten longer since her Alliance days. It had been a long time and, hell, waking up from a coffin to learn the universe needed saving didn't allot time for scheduling haircuts.

"I guess you are looking a bit ragged…" she told her red tresses and dropped her gaze to cabinets and drawers looking for tools of the hair trade. "Brush… brush…" When was the last time she'd used a damn brush? Usually the shower and finger-work took care of tangles. She rummaged through a drawer until she found one and then quickly combed out the tangles, pulled a black band from the handle, and tied her hair back.

She left her room and took the elevator down to the mess hall, blowing an already-falling-out-of-place strand of hair out of her eyes.

"You used to do everything right without me," she told her hair. "What happened to that? Huh? I got a lot on my plate, don't you start depending on me, too. It won't happen. You're barking up the wrong tree."

The doors whizzed open and she rounded the corner, took a plate from Gardner, and plopped down at a table with Garrus, Tali, Joker, and Kelly. Garrus was finishing his meal and Tali was, of course, merely observing. It was too quiet to be comfortable.

"Running calibrations today," Garrus told her. "Can't say the data will be anything good, but the weapons system didn't appear to be too damaged."

"Fortunate," Tali chirped. "The engines are two steps away from pouring black smoke."

"If anyone can fix her, Tali," Shepard said. "It's you."

The quarian nodded.

"It may take some time, but Omega's not lacking for resources. The Normandy will be up and running again before you know it."

"Yeah, as long as Shepard doesn't keep breaking my ship," Joker mumbled to his fork and she shot him a look.

"Did you have a good time last night, Commander?" Kelly asked cheerfully. Shepard paused to chew, elbows propped on the table and fork somewhere between her mouth and plate. She gazed up at the ceiling to give the illusion that she was sincerely considering her yeoman's question.

"It didn't start off so well but it didn't end badly," she replied and Joker choked on his breakfast. Kelly opened her mouth to say something, but Shepard kept going. "And, no, I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing to talk about."

"If you need me at all, Commander, I'll be here."

_Yeah,_ she thought. _You keep the faith. _She didn't hate Kelly, but she'd never found a use for a person whose job was to be her friend. Whenever she needed to talk, she did it with someone she could trust. Plus, she didn't really want to talk about it; thinking over the fight only made her feel depressed.

"Thanks," she said and got up, carrying her plate with her. She scooped the rest of her breakfast into her mouth on the way back to Gardner, left the dishes with him, and worked the wad in her over-stuffed mouth around until she could actually call it chewing.

She took the elevator to the CIC and met Grunt by the galaxy map.

"Shepard." He nodded in her direction. She forced herself to swallow the food in one heap, and it hurt going down.

"Grunt," she replied. "I'm a little pent up. You lookin' to release some of that krogan rage later?"

He smirked and pounded his fist into his palm.

"Count on it."

Shepard gave him a formal nod and headed out onto the dock for another look at all the port-side problems. She climbed the steps to the maintenance bay, grabbed a free riser, and worked the levers and buttons until she'd guided her platform out to the Normandy.

Joker appreciated the Cerberus modifications to his legs, but it didn't make him move as fast as a regular person. He was used to being careful anyway, plus he had a lot on his mind, so he took his time getting to the bridge.

_The night didn't end badly? _he thought, repeating her words in his head. _Okay, what does that mean?_ He guessed it meant he didn't completely screw up by putting his arm around her. At the time, he just wanted to do something for her, but the aftermath was too embarrassing.

Joker paused mid-step when he saw Kaidan's face appear in the door.

"Who let you in here?" he muttered, rolling over the surprise just as quickly as it had come. He plopped into his chair as Kaidan came up behind him.

"I did," EDI announced. "According to the logs in Sh—"

"Okay, that's enough, EDI," Joker interrupted her; it wouldn't be good for Shepard's secrets to be spilled behind her back. "It's fine."

"What is that?" Kaidan asked, leaning against the console.

"Normandy's AI," he replied, refusing to make eye contact. Not only had he not forgotten what Kaidan had said about him in his drunken fit, but how would he explain the intimacy between he and Shepard? Not that it ever had to be mentioned. Ever.

Kaidan's brows pinned back in shock. Joker could tell he was about to ask but then decided against it. _You didn't come here to talk about the ship,_ Joker thought in Kaidan's direction. The shifting of weight, the closing and opening of his eyes, the tensing in his hand… all indicators that the old L-T had something important to say, something hard to say.

"Joker," he began.

"You don't need to say it. I know. Besides, you're gonna have to do me worse than that." He wasn't big on apologies. Sympathy reminded him of pity. He didn't need pity. He would get over the outburst in his own way. "You lookin' for her?"

"You think she'll see me?"

"How would I know?" He busied himself at the virtual keypad, tickering away on yellow icons representing letters and numbers. When Joker's ears filled with silence, he risked a glance at his guest and found Kaidan's expression a hopeful question. He sighed. "Yeah."

But the ex-L-T didn't leave right away. Instead, he motioned to the screens in front of the pilot.

"What are you doing?"

"We took heavy damage on the other side of Omega 4. She needs an overhaul."

"How bad is it?"

"Let's put it this way: we'd get two clicks from this dock before we'd be checked for salvage." It was an exaggeration, but he hated his baby being so banged up.

Kaidan chuckled.

"Guess you're stranded here. How're you coping with that?"

"Lots of extranet when EDI isn't blocking my feed."

"Just like old times."

Shepard wrenched the worn plating off of the side of the ship and passed it off to the claw unit purposed to help her move things from the riser to the dock. She wiped her sweaty forehead across her arm and began fidgeting with the wiring.

"Damn it…" she muttered. "Joker!"

Nothing.

"Joker?"

Nothing. Where the heck was he? He was usually on the comm. ready to bite her head off for "breaking his ship". Whatever. She raised the platform level to the mesh before her and laid down.

"Let's see…"

After playing connect-the-ports for ten minutes, she gave up. She wasn't getting anywhere and had no idea what she was doing. She was hot and sweaty and tired of broken things. Truly, her only job was to catalogue damages, but a big part of her was a fixer. She fixed things, or tried. She was a problem-solver. She'd spent half her time across the galaxy solving other peoples' problems, and whenever that call came through… she couldn't not answer. She could never say "no". She needed to learn how, but probably never would.

Shepard sat up and leaned against the side of her ship and wiggled her toes in her boots. They felt stuffy. She wanted a beach somewhere with sand and a cool breeze… a place where her toes could wiggle freely. She was tired of boots and socks and any other restraints of the foot-kind.

She closed her eyes and imagined it. That's what she wanted. To feel her feet in soft sand or cool water and a relaxing breeze between each toe. She wanted to lean back into Kaidan's arms and tumble onto a fluffy mattress.

A smirk came to her mouth as she considered her daydream. _A mattress on a beach doesn't make any sense_, she thought; it took some effort to remind herself that it was just a fantasy and it didn't have to make sense.

She shifted positions to lie down on the riser and better imagine herself relaxing on a soft, beachside bed with Kaidan beside her… and the war far, far away. No, not even far away. Gone. Over. Finished. She was tired of fighting…

The riser began moving down and, when it stopped, she opened her eyes. Kaidan had a gentle yet perceptive expression.

"Can we talk?" he asked.


	10. When You're Dead

Kaidan waited until Shepard had climbed off the riser and perched on a crate on the dock, nursing a canister of water, before he tried to initiate a conversation.

"You tried to tell me something…" he began, hesitating to find the right words, "and I didn't listen. I was… angry because... well, everything—mostly at life, at the situation. And you're not responsible for that. Two years…" He stepped closer to her and tried to continue, but she stopped him.

"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead," she said assuredly. He settled his gaze on her, ready to hear her out. "And when you come back… you just wake up like you had a hard night and too much swill. Floating out in space with no oxygen…? It's just a bad dream, a nightmare."

He noticed her tone was soft, affirmative, firm. There was no hint of anger or resentment just… He wasn't really sure what to call it. Acceptance? Truth…

"It doesn't click, either," she continued, "until you realize everyone's gone. You know I woke up to a firefight with mechs? Didn't know where the hell I was but… it clicked, right? Waking up to battle didn't seem wrong." Shepard was almost amused, with one corner of her mouth tipped up in a pseudo-smile that said she was both amazing and startled by her own words. "It didn't seem… out of place. It didn't seem wrong," she repeated, "so my body and brain responded with regiment and cool adrenaline."

He watched her brush those flyaway strands of hair from her face, pale from cooling off and shiny from remnants of drying sweat.

"It wasn't even all of the faces of people I didn't know claiming to be my allies that did it. And they were telling me these things—these crazy stories of me dying and being a two-year credit-leach of a project before I was brought back to life. But the brain doesn't accept what it can't remember. And you don't remember dying like it's a memory, only a bad… bad dream."

He knew her burst of laughter was wasn't amusement.

"I didn't feel dead," she went on. "I couldn't remember being dead. I tried to accept the story but my brain—my body—none of it could swallow it, like being shoved into someone else's boots and they're telling you they belong to you, and you know they're full of shit. They have your name in it, and you think, 'they must be mine' but you just can't buy it, that you ever wore those boots too small for you."

She took a quick pull of water.

"I looked for you," she said firmly. "All of you. I tried to find you. It didn't make sense you weren't on my ship. I mean, I could explain losing the Normandy—the Collector assault didn't escape my memory banks when I went down. But I couldn't explain losing my crew. Cerberus, Alliance, Council… they were changed. It really had happened—I'd died and been dead for two years. I saw Tali on Freedon's Progress and it was like it'd been a day, but she flinched at me like I was a ghost."

"Shepard," he whispered softly, but she held up her hand to silence him and pushed off of her box, storming down the dock in more frustrated paces. She hadn't woken up with all this irritated nor prepared anything to say to him when she saw him again. She only wanted him to understand where her brain had been the two years he was grieving… and yet she couldn't stop. Things she only knew in her subconscious were popping out of her.

"The brain doesn't accept what it can't remember, Kaidan. To you—to everyone… I was dead for two years. But to me, I was asleep for a night. I woke up and the whole galaxy had changed. And there was no time for _me_ to be _pissed off_ about it! No one said, 'hey, maybe Shepard needs a minute to rage' or thought for one second that it might bother me. No, it was, 'welcome back, Shepard, the world is in trouble and we need you to save us'."

Joker used both hands to pull the bill of his hat over his eyes. Hearing Shepard's tormented speech and shouts went straight to his core. He slumped into his chair and stayed that way. He didn't even realize how silent the rest of the ship was, listening over the intercom he'd forgotten to turn off.

"Cerberus didn't bring me back because someone would miss me, after all. They brought me back to fight!" She took a deep breath. "I accepted because… because I had to, you know that. I've always said yes. But this time I had to because the mind-fuck of having your life ripped out from under you was too much to take in at once. It had to be small doses between mission briefings. It had to be done between changing thermal clips and banging out armor dings. I had to be enraged and fighting to understand what had happened to me so I didn't lose my mind!"

Her shoulders shook once as the tremor of the tear-hiccup climbed through her chest to her throat. She resisted it. He wasn't doing as good a job and he could feel the familiar sting under his lids. Kaidan didn't want to cry in front of her.

Suddenly, her fist flew out and a scream ripped out of her as she punched the steel crate she'd once been sitting on. She didn't even react to the pain—he doubted she even felt any. Her blue eyes were icy and red hair even brighter than before. Had she never dealt with this? Had no one given her a chance to scream?

She took a couple of rough, shallow breaths and then another surge of rage erupted out of her and she punched something else, making a dent that time. When she finally had settled into deep breathing, she started talking again. Her voice sounded even, exhausted, and still pissed off.

"Everyone… treated me like it had never happened. As though I'd just hopped ships and switched sides. Some followed, some didn't. And I commanded the respect of my crew either way." Shepard shut her eyes a moment, face muscles tensing for a brief second. "Of course they acted like nothing had happened. A commander is no good if they're psychologically damaged. I wanted it that way. I couldn't talk to them about it. I couldn't do my job if I was being babied, questioned, suspected of anything less than Alliance Commander Saia Shepard. Council Spectre. Rogue Operative to Cerberus to stop the greatest threat our world has ever known."

He saw her fingers flexing again. She was resisting the rage.

"But it did happen! I can't ignore it forever!" This time, she swiped the crate to the ground. "And I'm angry! I'm angry that even though everything changed, the faces around me stare at me as though nothing has! Because maybe _your life_ is so dramatically altered, but at least you remember it!" She sucked in a breath and it came with a struggle. "Fuck your anger!"

Joker wearily glanced up and saw the indicator on his console.

"Shit…" he muttered and pushed the button to turn off the ship comm. system. He couldn't stop himself from listening to more, however, and kept the private feed going.

"Yeah, I'm angry!" Kaidan yelled, ignoring the tears hot in his eyes. "I'm angry that I wasn't strong enough to do what I should've done! I'm angry I didn't say 'fuck the Alliance' and follow you like I should've! I'm jealous, okay? I'm jealous that everyone on that ship had more balls than I did—that they got up and went with you!" He stomped toward her. "I'm angry and jealous of every damn second I wasted not being with you!"

He grabbed her and pulled her closer.

"I love you so much, Saia," he hissed into her ear. He felt her fingers dig into his shirt as her body shook from tears. "I came here to tell you that. I love you. I'm so sorry. I never… I never…"

_Kaidan was running so hard his heart felt near to bursting. He couldn't stop. He was overtaken by panic, by fear. The explosion had shattered his resolve and penetrated the last of his military-trained focus. He was all nerves unraveling fast._

_He hopped over burning wreckage and smoldering debris. The indicator in his fist was beeping faster. The pod was close._

"_Oh God, Shepard," he cried without even knowing what he would find. He was seconds from spilling over._

_He threw himself against the escape pod and was hit with the smell of stale bile. He was overcome with terror and hope at the same time._

_Joker's red eyes and tear-streaked face looked up at him._

_She was gone._

_Something inside of him broke, snapped, shattered. He stumbled back and his knees gave out. He hit the ground. He screamed, maybe. He couldn't remember. It was a blur. His voice spiked. Something went straight into his chest and festered out pain and agony._

_He'd never… had a way out._

"I never…" he muttered but couldn't say it. She yanked and ripped at his shirt as the last of her rage worked out of her and she slumped, limp in his arms.

Joker couldn't take any more of it. He cut the feed.


	11. I Need You

Shepard's hands dropped to her sides and Kaidan leaned away from her to get a look at her face, to discern what was wrong and why she'd stopped embracing him.

"You were right," she said quietly. Her blue eyes were unreadable and Kaidan couldn't have anticipated what she would say next. "I did change," she told him, "but it wasn't when you thought, not during the last two years. It was the day the Council grounded me on the Citadel and the Alliance made it clear they were going to bow to that ruling—no explanation… no appeal… official channels closed."

Kaidan's hands slipped down her arms, resting at the crook of her elbows. He kept his brown gaze locked on hers, trying to second guess what she was getting at, trying to be prepared for where this was going. In his heart, he was afraid it was to a place he couldn't follow.

"That day, I became a person who can't follow orders. I have to do what I think is right, even when ordered not to. If I have stayed grounded, everything would be dying to a reaper invasion. If I had returned to the Alliance instead of working with Cerberus, human colonies would still be disappearing overnight to feed an abomination." She pushed her hair out of her eyes. "I won't question the Council or the Alliance's desire to do the right thing, but it is very clear to me now that their hands are too tied with their own political protocol. They are not capable of doing what I can because they must follow orders."

/

The engine deck was filled to the brim with the Normandy's crew gathered around Tali as she tied wires together and rerouted circuits. After a moment, the ship's speakers popped and the feed from the dock began playing through.

Mumbles of "good job" and "way to go" were sent Tali's way and then the room fell silent as they all returned to listening.

/

"I hear you, Shepard," Kaidan said, "but don't you think going out into the black without any guidance is dangerous?"

"I have a council, Kaidan," she said with a small smile appearing at the corner of her mouth. "I have commanded two ships with the best this universe has to offer. I have asari, turian, krogan, quarian, salarian, and human advisors and they have wisdom the Council can never offer, because the Council has never been across the galaxy fighting—struggling every day. And they are—all of them—irreplaceable.

"I don't need an army. I didn't need an army to take down Saren and I didn't need an army to stop the Collectors. I have my team. I don't need anything else. I don't need a rank; my rank killed nothing. I don't need a title; Spectre resolved nothing. They were meaningless in the end—titles with imaginary significance. The real power behind Shepard is her team."

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered. He wanted to tell her it was so much more than that; he wanted to tell her that only she could've united them. Without her, the crew would fall apart—just like it did two years before. He wanted to tell her those things, but he knew she wouldn't believe it, and that was part of the reason he loved her so much.

"I am missing a key member of my team, though," she said hesitantly. "So I'll say it again… I could use a good man in my crew, Kaidan."

He tried not to smile but it happened anyway. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"And _I_," she whispered against his lips. "_I_ could use _you_."

Kaidan kissed her fully and she returned it with equal fervor. He'd made the mistake of rejecting her invitation once; he wouldn't do it again.

/

Joker was deep in a frown when he heard Shepard's voice come back over the comm. system. When he made it down to the engine room, he crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his gaze on the crowd.

"You wanna give the commander some privacy? Cause I'm not gonna be the one whose balls she chops off when she finds out you were eavesdropping," he announced. Some laughed, some frowned, and others looked terrified.

Tali pulled the plug.

"Sorry, Joker," she said quietly, but he could hear the smile in her voice.

"I guess that means I lost my sparring match," Grunt muttered. Miranda swung her hips around and started toward the elevator.

"The Commander is going to be… busy for awhile," she said with a slight grin. "We have a lot of work to do in the mean time. Let's… give her space."

This time, they didn't go off to their tasks begrudgingly. They were all smiling—some of them on the outside and others in their hearts. Not one of them had ever been so proud to be on Normandy as they were then.

Joker waited for the engine room to clear of everyone who didn't belong there before he pushed off of the wall and made his way back to the cockpit. Part of him was pumping with private joy over what Shepard had said, even though she had truly complimented him the night before. Those words had been meant for him—only for him. So, naturally, the other part of him wanted to hold her again, and for her to be held only by him.

He ignored that other part of him. There was no point thinking otherwise, because she was already being held by someone else.

/

Kaidan's hotel door whirred open and he backed Shepard through it. They were locked together in hot kisses and an embrace only broken to yank and pull their clothes off. He easily lifted the t-shirt over her head and dropped it to the ground. Her fingers eagerly fumbled at his belt then tugged his shirt from the tuck.

They nearly fell over the couch in their blind stumbling but were too preoccupied to laugh about it.

"I missed you," he whispered against her lips. Her tongue met his in another hot kiss. "I missed you so much."

She pulled his shirt over his head and met his mouth again. Her hands splayed on his chest and her fingers sought his flexing abdomen, tangled in his chest hair, gently clawed at his shoulders. A moan rose out of her throat.

"I missed you, too," she breathed between kisses.

Kaidan pulled her into him by the small of her back then dropped his hand onto her rear and pulled her even closer. She moaned again, feeling how much he loved her pressing into her pelvis. Her mind was blank, filled up by him, and so her body had taken over. Their bare skin pressed together, hot and getting hotter. Her fingers combed through his hair, took fistfuls as she hungrily sought his mouth, his tongue.

The feel of her chest pressed against his and the way she held on to him—rough and desperate—made him swell with desire he wasn't sure he could contain.

"Oh God, Saia," he muttered without thought. He shoved her hips far enough away from him to get at her zipper and pushed her pants down where they dropped to her ankles. She stepped out of them and out of his reach. It was then that he noticed what he'd left her wearing and, as she dropped onto the bed and seductively leaned back on her elbows, he felt an entirely new level of lust in his groin.

Shepard wore nothing but panties and combat boots.

"Mind giving me a hand with these laces?" she asked, one slender brow slightly quirked. He took off his pants and kicked out of his shoes.

"Leave 'em on," he replied as he sunk into her.

He enveloped her body in his arms and his mouth made love to hers. His body instinctively grinded against hers until the flimsy piece of cloth between them was soaked and see-through. Kaidan left a trail of kisses down her tender throat and across her chest and swelling breasts. His tongue flicked at her sensitive skin, across the curves of her abdomen and the flexing muscles in her stomach, sinking lower and lower as he worked her underwear off of her. Her sighs and breathy whimpers encouraged him.

Shepard nudged his shoulders, hinting that he should return to her. He slid back up the length of her body and found her mouth eagerly seeking his.

"Kaidan," she muttered, and he recognized her pitch was actively seeking his attention.

"Yes?" he answered in a husky breath. He met her gaze and forced his body to quiet while she spoke.

"I never told you… I should have." She swallowed hard. "Kaidan, I love you."

Her confession seemed to shift their pace to something softer, slower, affectionate. He gently stroked the side of her face; his thumb traced her bottom lip. Suddenly, he knew he had to do more than whatever it was they had started to do—more passionate than sex but too lustful to be considered making love.

"I love you, too," he whispered. When he kissed her again, it was deep and meaningful in a way that sang of a prelude to Ilos. Now, they would have more than a single memory as proof of their love. "I love you so much…"

He bent into her and inhaled her very presence. Shepard's fingertips played along the lines in his neck and her palms rubbed against the stubble on his jaw. They sank into the soft sheets when he sank into her, and became tangled up in the fire of their love.

/

The room was dark and quiet. Kaidan was propped up onto the pillows and listened to the gentle breathing of the sleeping woman next to him. He couldn't sleep—not when he was finally at peace. He couldn't stop watching her, thinking to himself how beautiful she was. He stroked the picture of her between his thumb and index finger, but his eyes never looked at it.

"I don't need this anymore," he whispered to her and dropped the photograph onto the floor. "I don't need a memory, because I promise you… I promise I will never leave you again."

He slipped into the covered and snuggled against her. His lips found her forehead.

"Never."


	12. Oh Captain, My Captain

It had been several weeks and Tali's predictions had proved to be right: the Normandy was space worthy in no time. Work was still needed, of course, but it was nothing that couldn't be done out of port.

"Commander?" Joker asked with a grin.

Shepard patted his shoulder.

"Set a course for the Sowilo System in the Hourglass Nebula," she instructed and he immediately began punching in coordinates.

"We paying Liara a visit?" he asked as she turned to go. She stopped at the door and looked back at him. He caught the smirk on her lips when he threw a glance over his shoulder.

"Get us out of here, Joker."

"Yes, ma'am."

Shepard left the bridge and crossed the CIC, nodding to her yeoman as she passed. The elevator doors hissed open and carried her up one flight to her cabin. Inside, Kaidan turned his gaze from the fish tank to her. They stood there smiling at one another for what she interpreted as several stupid moments, feeling a little more happy than she should be allowed.

It was no surprise to the crew when she announced that he was joining it. They'd become familiar with him when he volunteered to help repair the ship and through the whispered gossip that passed behind his and Shepard's backs.

"I saw your old N7 helmet and dog tags," he began and she waited to speak to see where he was going with that. "I was glad to see you'd kept them. It says a lot of things about you I already knew…" He added with a smile, "Good things."

Shepard's lips tipped up happily and she walked into her room as though she were actually going to walk past him. He caught her at the waist with an outstretched arm and pulled her close.

"Where did you get them?" he asked.

"The N7 helmet I found when I went through the Normandy crash site," she explained.

"I remembered hearing the tags of the lost crew members came in. Was that you?"

She nodded and he wondered why he'd even asked. Of course it was her.

"The tags," she continued, "were a gift… from Admiral Hackett. Apparently, someone in the Alliance still believes in me."

He hugged her tighter. She closed her eyes and let herself drift off in his arms; the dancing light in the fish tank pressed through her eyelids and she felt as though she were swaying in water. Her beach fantasy returned and she had to resist laughing when the mattress on the sand came back to her. She didn't know how to explain it.

Kaidan suddenly shifted out of her arms and began walking away. She moved with his body, allowing herself to be turned around, and noticed he was going for her desk. A bolt of embarrassment starting in her cheeks flushed down her core. He'd seen the picture.

Kaidan gently picked it up and spent a while looking at it. She was sure he wasn't so much staring at himself as he was at the idea of her having it, crying at it, longing for him.

"You see," she said into the quiet, breaking the fragile silence, "even though you weren't here, you were with me… You got me through it all."

She watched him walk over to her. His eyes were dark and hazy. He took her shoulders and gripped them firmly then pressed his forehead to hers. The silent communication overflowed with intensity and she knew he was trying to tell her something important. She lifted her hands and rested them in the crooks between his biceps and shoulders.

Shepard felt his strength in his well-honed body and in his iron spirit. His arms grasping her felt guarded, protecting. His stance was firm, solid, unmovable. His breath was steady. His eyes were both loving and vigilant. He was her strong protector, ready at her side—always at her side—for every trial. But he was trying to tell her something more… The way his head bowed to hers and his eyes looked up said, "You are my Commander, and I follow you." He'd already shown her his loyalty in love… and now he was showing her his allegiance on the battlefield.

Shepard placed her hands on the sides of his face and silently replied, "I know."

When he kissed her, he hooked an arm around her shoulders and held her gently at the base of her neck. She leaned into his firm chest, fingertips lightly placed beneath his collarbone. Their lips brushed gently, mouths moving together in steady and full kisses—a motion like the steady swaying of an ocean. Kaidan wanted to tell her, "I love you" in a language incorruptible. Words, however truly meant, could be tarnished by jealousy and anger and sorrow, but this kiss—he hoped—would never be misunderstood. It wasn't about sex or need or passion. It was him saying, "I'm only the best man I can ever hope to be when I'm with you."

Shepard opened her eyes after he kissed her forehead then her temple. She didn't have to smile to let him know she was happy. He could feel it in the way her blue eyes looked into his.

"Commander," Joker announced over the comm. system. "We're approaching the relay. ETA 20 minutes."

"Thanks, Joker," she replied. When she met Kaidan's gaze, she knew his brain was filled with the same memory that had triggered in hers—their interrupted almost-first-kiss. This time, she smiled with her lips.

/

When Joker sauntered into the gym, he expected it to be empty. The ship was running on the night shift's skeleton screw and he was usually free to come and go wherever he pleased without the trouble of running into someone else.

After his workout, he'd proceeded to the pools to dip his legs into the hot bath and relax his muscles. But when he padded into the room, he noticed the reflection of another person on the wet tiles. He looked up and found Commander Shepard peering over her shoulder at him, legs dipped into the bath.

"Sorry," he began. "I didn't think anyone else would be here."

"It's fine," she said. "There's plenty of room." She watched him go around to the other side—in the corner farthest from hers. As he sat down and eased his legs into the water, she said, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Just usually empty this time of night," he said with a slight hiss as the hot, bubbling water stung his skin. It would take a minute to get used to.

They were quiet for awhile as he adjusted to the temperature. Just as he had started to relax, he noticed Shepard's feet slowly kicking back and forth, like a young girl by a pool. He watched her do it, wondering why she was acting so feminine and why he thought it was so cute. Her toes flexed with her movements; she would spread them apart then close them together and wiggle them for good measure.

Finally, he had to ask.

"What's with the kicking?" he prompted. "This isn't exactly a resort spa—you don't need to act all giddy."

"Giddy?" she asked, a bit surprised.

_Wrong word choice,_ he thought, focusing on her posture. She was dressed in a white, cotton tank top and gray shorts. Her shoulders were slumped, relaxed. One hand supported her position at the edge of the pool and the other hugged a red towel to her chest. Her hair was let down, caressing her shoulders carelessly.

"Okay, so you're not giddy," he replied. He squeezed his toes to flex his calf muscles and work out some of the tension. "Still doesn't explain the kicking."

"Can I be honest?" she asked lazily.

_Any time…_ he thought. "Sure."

"I'm tired of wearing boots," she said, and he stared at her while he absorbed her confession. "I'm serious. I'm tired of boots, tired of shoes. I want to go to a beach somewhere and dip my feet in the water and sink my toes in the sand." She chuckled. "I want to feel the air between them."

"Cute…" he muttered, but she didn't hear over the churning water between them. Joker cautiously eyed her but her blue gaze was too lost on the bath, eyes reflecting the aquamarine. He lingered on her figure—on the curves of her shoulders and her breasts mostly hidden behind the towel. His focus dropped down her smooth arms and over her strong legs. He noticed the faint lines of scars on her left leg, just above the knee, and again on her right shoulder. They were disappearing quickly, but he could still see where Cerberus had pasted her back together.

"What did he say about the scars?" Joker asked nonchalantly. _Idiot,_ he thought. _Very sensitive._ But she didn't seem mad. She just eyed them herself as though she'd forgotten they were there and then shrugged.

"He didn't notice," she replied casually. "Or, if he did, he wasn't obvious about it."

_Of course he didn't,_ he thought. _He wouldn't notice something like that. He'd be too focused on you._ He didn't know why he had so much trouble saying the right thing, but he locked up every time his brain tried to venture into the slightly emotional zone.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "Those scars… I mean, do they hurt?"

She gave him a look that made his insides squirm. It was playfully reproachful.

"Joker," she started, "they aren't your fault. It is _not_ your fault. How many times have you saved my ass out on the field? You're the last person I expect to throw me to the wolves, Joker. It was the Collectors' fault, and we paid them back in full."

He nodded and stared at his reflected in the water, debating whether or not it would be a good idea to confess. _Scratch that,_ he thought. It wasn't ever going to be a good idea. He was debating on whether or not it would matter.

She took in his sullen expression and slightly bent forward.

"Joker," she called, demanding his attention. "Look at me."

He did, and what he wanted to say nearly popped out despite his better judgment. Luckily, she prevented him from blurting anything out by talking.

"Do you remember when you told me that you could only fly with me?" she asked. He nodded meekly. "Well, the same goes for me, Joker. You're the only pilot I trust to fly the Normandy and to be there when I need him. It's you and me—all the way."

He nodded again. He wanted to say something but there was a lump in his throat the size of a grapefruit. After a couple minutes of his hesitation, she stood up, toweled her legs, and dropped the towel where she'd been sitting.

"I think I'm going to call it," she announced. "See you tomorrow."

Joker nodded yet again as though he could do nothing else. She padded out of the room and disappeared behind the walls. Finally, he swallowed that lump and found his voice.

"I was terrified… I was terrified of losing her," he confessed to the place she used to be. "The Normandy… my baby… She was more than just a ship, she was _my_ ship. She was part of me. I couldn't abandon her…" Joker hung his head. "But then you… I knew I had to give her up. You helped me see that there were more important things than saving a dying ship. You came back for me to show me that and…"

He dropped his face into his palms to collect himself, as though he really needed her to hear him out. He felt the bubbling water around his shins and the heat on his face. It was supposed to relax him but he was wound up so tight he thought he might break himself. He picked up his head bravely.

"I lost you," he told her empty spot. "I couldn't save either of you… The two girls I loved most in this world… I lost both of you because I wasn't strong enough." He pretended the water dropping down his cheeks was just backlash from the bubbling pool. "And now I've got both of you back—both of my girls—and it doesn't seem fair… When he lost you, he… he broke apart. And you've lost so much, and had to go on without it."

Joker slipped into the pool and crossed to where she'd once been sitting. He curled his fingers into her abandoned towel and drew it up to his face. It was still warm. It still smelled like her. He could still feel Shepard on it—such a small, discarded piece of cloth.

"I love you, Saia Shepard," he whispered to the remnant of her, muttered a secret he'd never tell the real Shepard. "It's my turn to do something for you… So forget I said anything. Forget I held you. And I'll forget it, too."

He couldn't bring himself to let go of her yet, and when he sunk into the water, he brought her in with him. He held the towel close to his chest, to his throat, against his cheek. _Last time,_ he promised himself. He'd only let himself love her one last time, and in the morning… he would forget.


	13. Shepard's Army

The door hissed open, revealing the long hallway to the Shadow Broker's chamber. Commander Shepard strolled through; her crew was behind her, slowly taking the tour of what little of the ship they were permitted to see. Kaidan, sure he'd see it all one day, kept beside Shepard and Joker, who'd seen it all before, shuffled behind them.

The door on the far end flew open and Liara began sprinting toward the group, smiling and crying at the same time. Shepard immediately broke into a run and they met halfway in a full and tight embrace.

"You made it!" Liara's soft voice exclaimed. "I knew you would!"

"We did," Shepard confirmed. "No casualties but… I'm sure you already knew that."

The asari pulled out of the hug and nodded, unable to wipe the smile from her face. She eyed Joker coming up and nodded to him.

"Joker," she greeted. "It is good to see you out of your ship."

"Yeah, I missed you, too," he replied.

"But I did not—oh. I see." Liara flushed slightly, still embarrassed that she could be trapped by her literal interpretations. She knew Joker better than that but, she supposed, it had been too long. She smiled when Kaidan made his appearance; of course, she'd already read transcripts and seen videos of their reunion. "Welcome back, Kaidan."

"I can't believe you're the new Shadow Broker, Liara," he said.

"Yes, well, someone had to step up to the plate. I was happy to do it. I've come into a wealth of resources to aid Shepard against the Reapers." Her face slipped into a serious expression. "Now that the Collector threat has been dealt with, we must focus on the real problem."

Shepard, Joker, and Kaidan followed Liara into her sanctuary and the boys took it in with wide eyes and slack jaws that told of nothing less than awe. The VI globe that swiveled around the chamber immediately zeroed in on Shepard and followed her wherever she went.

"Welcome back, Shadow Broker," it said as Liara pulled a datapad from her console.

"Joker, no doubt, forwarded you the Reaper schematic," she said and, when Shepard nodded, she continued. "It's much worse than we've feared. Just before the communication dropped, my contacts on earth transmitted a brief clip to our network."

Shepard took the datapad and scrolled through the text. The video played on the side. The spider-like legs of what could only be a reaper ship descended through the stratosphere. She passed the pad back to Liara.

"Then they've already found a way out of dark space…"

"It does seem that way, but we cannot confirm. Shepard…" She hesitated. "You're going to need an army…"

"I already have one," Shepard said with a smirk. "My crew graduated basic training when they blew up the Collector base. And I have you, here with an unlimited network. What more can I ask for?"

She smiled wide, ignoring the rest of Shepard's team that slowly filtered into the room.

"Well… there is one thing…" she said, laughter like music sneaking into her tone. She pulled Shepard up the stairs and toward the back room. "Look who's here."

The doors hissed open and Shepard paused to survey the space. At first, she only noticed Liara's drell friend, Feron. Then there came the sound of a fist pounding into a palm and Wrex's growling voice pulled her gaze to where the red-shelled Krogan was standing.

"Shepard."

"Wrex!" Shepard exclaimed.

Part of her wanted to bolt over and hug him, but she doubted he'd receive it well. In spite of his usual attitude, she could tell he was happy to see her. Very few things made a krogan smile; for Wrex, she was one of those things.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were on Tuchanka with the rest of clan Urdnot."

"Seems to me there won't be a Tuchanka or an Urdnot left if these Reapers are allowed to wreak havoc across the galaxy. Seeing as how we stopped them once already, I figure we've had our practice and now it's time to take a shot at the real thing." He grinned. "C'mon, Shepard. We can take 'em."

"With all of this new information," Feron piped up, "the Council must listen to us."

"They probably won't," Joker muttered, relaxing against the threshold of the door as Kaidan entered the room. "It's more likely they'll say we fabricated evidence to support our claims then hi-jacked the Shadow Broker's station to bleed it over the network. They seem anxious to believe anything before they admit the Reapers are real."

"The Alliance should have all the proof they need to back us up," Kaidan added. "Hackett believes in you. And if earth is really their first target, I'm sure they'll be rushing home—damned the Council."

"And you can be sure the krogan of Urdnot won't let you go to war alone," Wrex added.

Shepard nodded firmly to Wrex. The rest of her team began filtering in.

"Cerberus will have all cells focused on earth," Miranda added. "There's no way they'd let humans go undefended."

"I'm counting on that," Shepard replied.

"With the political bantering over the geth, I am not sure I can convince the Migrant Fleet to shift their attention to something they might deem as too far away a threat to be real," Tali announced. "I will rally as many supporters as I can and plead with the Admiralty Board for whatever ships they will lend to our cause."

"Thank you, Tali." Shepard nodded to her. Liara gently placed a hand on the Commander's shoulder.

"Shepard… there is something else…" she whispered and passed her another datapad. "Do you remember Noveria? You set a certain queen free…"

Shepard took the pad.

"I remember…" she said slowly. The asari's lips curled upward.

"It seems she has not forgotten the mercy you've shown her. And her children stand ready to fight for the one who spared them."

Shepard closed her eyes and took a moment to soak in the information. Suddenly, she didn't feel as alone in the galaxy as she had prior to coming to Hagalaz.

"We're with you all the way, Commander," Garrus told her.

"The Reapers won't know what hit 'em," Zaeed added.

Shepard lifted her head and bounced her gaze to the face of each and every one of her crewmates. They were all smiling at her, nodding at her, ready and awaiting an order. Even Kasumi's glowing orbs shone from underneath her dark hood; so much for the 'parting ways' line the thief had used to get her out to Afterlife. She remembered Legion and thought of how he'd already returned to the geth, hoping to reason with them into fighting on the right side. None of them had abandoned her, even when their contract with Cerberus had ended.

"The way I see it," Kasumi purred. "The mission isn't really over, only part of it is."

"You're right," Shepard agreed. She stepped into the middle of a circle that had naturally formed around the room. "Thank you. All of you. The Reapers are out there now, laying down a path of destruction through every inch of the galaxy they cross. _Our_ galaxy. Their target right now may be humans… but they won't stop there. They won't stop until they extinguish all life that we've spent 50,000 years evolving! It is now our duty to step up for those who cannot fight.

"I can't promise this won't be a one-way trip… but I _can_ promise that we will hunt the Reapers to extinction, so that they won't even have dark space to run away to! Let's show the Reapers that they can no longer bully life out of out of this galaxy—that their cycle of death is at an end!" She took a deep and quiet breath. "Friends… Comrades… I am honored to go with you to the end."

There was a resolute pulse shared by each of the individuals in the room. Shepard shifted her weight from one foot to the next and twisted her torso to face her pilot still leaning in the doorway. He pushed off of it when he saw her focus on him with that serious glint in her blue gaze.

"Joker," she began. Her voice was solemn with orders about to be charged. "Tell EDI to get our weapons systems online and set a course for the local cluster. We're going to earth."


End file.
